To Ryanair, a Muted Monologue

come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away (www.airport.parking.tv)
come fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away (www.airport.parking.tv)

And breathe Mrs Carmichael, just breathe. Come on now. Man up, Woman! You’re only booking a quick hop, no frills flight to the Costa Brava. And the price is right. Or seems to be. What could possibly go wrong?

£30.99 Luton to Gerona including all taxes. Fantastic! Great price and the only budget airline to fly this route. There’s a seat with my name on it. Woo hoo off to the sunshine. Once I’ve bought the ticket that is.

I’m paying with my new credit card, first outing. Ah, (£1.60) for the privilege so it’s £31.99 now. Ok, I can live with that.

Oh, there’s a charge for luggage. Well, I guess the flight price is reasonable and Mrs C needs to look her best poolside. Let’s add (£35.00) to make a total of £66.99. Hmmmm.

Of course I don’t want to be stuck between strangers so I guess it’s priority boarding and low heels for me. Cheap at (£7.00). Running total, £76.99.

Insurance, sensible (£14.54), £91.53. But I’ve missed out the Plus, (£3.16) which brings it to £94.69 but hey, I’m the mug Singapore Airlines is still scrapping with (Singapore Airlines, A Tale of Three Halves.) so cheap at half the price.

Actually I do want to reserve my seat so I will fork out the £10.00 for that gladly – £104.69. Wow, the Priority boarding is no longer necessary (what a gift) so saved seat and stilettos it is, £97.69.

Better be texted my confirmation I guess, (£1.69) £99.38.

Can’t play golf without my golf clubs. You WHAT? (£50.00). Final total: £149.38!!!!!!!!!!

 And rewind:

would you like yellow with that? (www.wired.com)
would you like yellow with that? (www.wired.com)

Back in your cage, credit card. Capsule wardrobe here I am. Dress me in monochrome.

No, I don’t want priority boarding, nor reserved seats. No to insurance. Yes, I’ve read the T’s and C’s (Fingers xed). No, no to your insurance thanks. Mrs C prides herself on risk taking. Do not text me anything.

I’ll give the hire car a miss this time. And the Ryanair hotel as well.

Oh, my sessions timed out.

No problem, I’ll just start all over again. No, no, yes to all of the above. Ah and no, to the kind offer of a cabin bag purchase. I fancy I’ll organise my own transfer and no I don’t want you to organise a tour of Gerona for me.

I’ll flag the golf and buy a Kindle.

Goodness, am I onto payment details already?

Yes, I’ve read the chuffing T’s and C’s and NO I DO NOT WANT your insurance.

Are we good to go? No?

Arrrgh, I don’t want to play lucky bingo for some family photos. No I really really don’t.

Tickets bought -olé José. Costa Brava (nice bits) here I come.

What there’s more? NO, I do not want the last chance opportunity to buy insurance from you and amazingly I have booked accommodation BEFORE I started this flight purchase process.

chocs away (www.guardian.co.uk)
one happy Irishman (www.guardian.co.uk)

I am, however, looking forward to the offer of a relaxing electronic cigarette once on board.

Thumbs up, Michael. You, Sir are a maestro.

Please, please share the fourth leaf of your lucky clover with me.

ps: As you know math is not a forté of Mrs C. Any mistakes in this area are hers and hers alone. Ryanair, by comparison, is very good at adding up.

pps: Mrs Carmichael smokes neither real nor electronic cigarettes. Ryanair offers the latter to each and every passenger regardless of age.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/daily-prompt-tourist-trap/

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38 thoughts on “To Ryanair, a Muted Monologue

      1. honestly, to date…..I hardly dare say this – I’ve not had a bad experience but most of my friends won’t fly with him.
        The only other choice is to fly to Barcelona and drive 2 hours….watch this space.

  1. That’s the best muted monologue ever Mrs C. You have such a way with words. I can’t say that I like flying…maybe better for them. There’s a lot of “yellow” in that plane. 😛

  2. Were the plastic fags free? Did Ryan Air miss a trick? Don’t forget to borrow my carry on bag so you have one that fits the ever shrinking tester at the checkout.

  3. I actually fly EasyJet and WizzAir when I do…no hidden costs, if you can believe it! Tip: Visa Electron DEBIT card = $0 (or other currency) in fees! No need for insurance either (my debit card comes with it), I never check a baggage , so …so far so good flying them. I’ll fly WizzAir in Sept again (but I’ll need one bigger carry on now so that would be 10 euros / leg)

  4. You have to be making this up! Hidden charges EVERYWHERE! Can’t believe they charge you for luggage and to reserve a seat! You’ll need that electronic cigarette after all that. 🙂

  5. That is extraordinary. And actually rather infuriating. You took it very well – unless the next photo challenge entitled ‘Smash’ will show us what really happened….?

  6. Argh. So aggravating, isn’t it? I just experienced this recently on AirTran. Booked my flights each way for a low amount. Then had to pay extra to pick my seats– each way. No free bags, so had to pay baggage fees each way. It seemed to go on and on until I finally realized it was no better deal than the big airlines. 😦

  7. I would have clicked “like” but how can anyone like the rigmarole you went through? We all go through? We need something called a Hate Button, and maybe a dart board with Mr. Ryan’s face on it or the equivalents at other airlines. One is worse than the next.
    It’s a good thing Spain is worth it!

  8. Great post! My husband loathes so-called cheap airlines (though he has to use them occasionally), the thing that annoys him the most is the way they try to sell lottery tickets and raffle tickets once they have you trapped on board!

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